Wednesday 22 October 2014

One lump or two? Part 3



It would appear I am bang on trend, October is the flagship month for cancer, It's on television, in the papers and the radio and even Davina McCall is involved so it must be popular.

Every magazine, newspaper and radio station is discussing how brave people everywhere are battling or surviving it. I don't feel brave at all, given the option I would rather pass and run for the hills and I'm sure yellow would suit me better than pink. But there are no options available to run away or to decide not to have this, I don't have any choice and that does not make me brave, actually it makes me very irritable.


To begin with I read every article I could find on the subject, I wanted to know how others were dealing with it, the young and the old, the famous and the not so famous, now that we shared this common thread I really needed to know how to cope and I wanted them to be able to provide me with all the answers. Fat chance. There is no right or wrong here although fascinatingly there are Dummies Guides to breast cancer, chemotherapy and radiotherapy, Christmas presents? Sorry, I'm digressing, I want to say that everyone owns their cancer differently, reactions and experiences may be similar but ultimately it belongs to who has it and their character and personality will dictate how they manage it.


The stories I read were very inspiring, but they also made me feel as if I should be doing more, I don't mean they were preachy, quite the opposite, the women I read about (mainly women because we do like to talk about it) were amazing and dynamic and all those other positive adjectives, but the trouble was I didn't feel quite as brilliant. I felt I should be out there like they were...somewhere, dancing, climbing mountains, saving the world, starting a charity, something, anything... cancer it seemed was a bit like Bodyform, you could be and do whatever you wanted. Trouble was I wasn't at that stage yet I wasn't even close. I was still having difficulty believing this was real let alone the right time of the month for skydiving.


More levels of inadequacy were developed one Saturday while doing the supermarket shop. The boyfriend attempted to veer me away from the joints of meat I was looking at and towards the fish counter at the supermarket. His reason that he simply didn't want to eat meat until the winter didn't ring true, it was very disconcerting, despite a planned out menu and shopping list I could not change his mind, I didn't want to cook fish at all but he looked so fed up at the prospect of meat I just couldn't understand why and then it clicked - In his desperate need to be useful and make everything better he had researched and found out that when faced with this sort of diagnosis there are good and bad foods, fish is very definitely on the 'good list' and pork shoulder is not. I understood, I knew he was coming from a really good place and meant well...nonetheless the reality of it was shocking so I had a bit of an unexpected meltdown in the bread section. This thing that I could not yet accept was even having an impact on our grocery shop, holding onto the trolley and with tears pouring down my face I tried to explain that I hated that I had no control over what was going on in my body, but I could see, looking at him that I wasn't the only one having trouble.

We had salmon for dinner.

It didn't stop at fish, we now have a fridge full of probiotic yoghurt, every morning I drink freshly squeezed lemon juice with hot water and freshly squeezed orange juice, I am stuffed full of fresh green veg and if I'm out I am given little tupperware boxes of dried fruit, brazil nuts and walnuts. I have clear skin, shiny hair and the irony is I could not look healthier. It's fine, he's happy and I am still allowed red wine...

Back in to the hospital for the results of the last MRI and it turned out they hadn't finished with me yet, another lump had shown up on the other breast which was obviously feeling neglected, my lymph nodes needed sampling too so it was back to impersonating a pin cushion in the dark radiology room and then home again to wait for more results.

This was a really low point, I thought the MRI was the key to letting us know what was going on and where it was going on, as it happened it just threw up more questions. Hundreds of photos taken for the purpose of mapping me out for my operation, who knew there was so much to take in while at the same time not learning anything new. The clever Macmillan people had put on their website that you will know nothing about what you are dealing with until after the lumpectomy. They were right and I wished I had checked their site sooner. It doesn't matter how many needles you are popped with, how many scans you go through or photographs are taken, until that 14mm ball of mucky cells is removed from me in two weeks time and then analysed I really don't know very much at all.

I wish I could feel more excited about the progress in modern medicine but it definitely feels less appealing when it's actually happening to your own body and not just part of some random discussion group. The lymph node sample came back inconclusive, so the plan is to biopsy them during the operation, they can do that now, remove a part of you, test it while you sleep and make a decision based on the results. Amazingly important, the lymph node system is a bit like a fast tracking courier company within our bodies, they pass things all around and their network makes the London Underground look like child's play. Great for all the good stuff which needs to work it's way around your system, not so great when cancer cells have a ticket to ride around your body causing havoc.

There is good news, really excellent news, the other lump was nothing to worry about, just trying to muscle in on the act. I should have been delighted, I was delighted, when it sinks in I will be very happy indeed. Just two weeks to wait for an operation which I am busy pretending will be an absolute breeze. My plan is to become very relaxed and zen like so I will be totally prepared and be up and about in no time.

Best laid plans and all that.....










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